We all have a violent email in mind, a person who scares the other members of the steering meeting. The person who doesn't let others finish their idea cuts them off all the time. Someone who raises his voice, shouts, possibly bangs his fist on the table or leaves the Copil by slamming the door! And let's face it: the context of pandemic and lockdown did not help the situation.
Blessed are those who during the animation of a steering committee have never been disturbed by one or more members. Aggressive, false experts, followers of silence... But How do you respond to lack of respect? Are there ways to reframe a difficult personality? Who should intervene? How to act and cleverly stop risky behavior before it is too late? What does mean working on climate in steering committees? Finally, how to assess what is punishable out-of-game behavior? What is not?
In summary: how to manage your own aggressiveness, to maintain your “self-control”, your “anger management”? We tell you the essentials of what you need to know about aggression, we have prepared the survival kit in a hostile environment for you. You will leave with a selection of the 7 tips to mobilize when this happens.
This article is part of a dossier Steering Committee or Copil: The basics which covers the essential things you need to know about the project steering committee - simple and pragmatic elements.
Remember that aggressiveness is a reaction to an emotion of anger and/or frustration. It can be a consequence of fear, lack of confidence, envy, jealousy, the fact that we do not know how to act in this project committee...
Above all, the first thing to do is to know how to identify what is on the legal register and what is not. Whether as a coordinator of the Copil process, as a project manager or as a participant, your responsibility is to know how to recognize what is in the domain of the acceptable, and what is not negotiable. No one is supposed to ignore the law, even in project management!
First case: no questions to ask, we punish.
An aggressiveness that goes beyond the limit. Physical aggression, violent verbal aggression... The aim here is not to compose or negotiate. But definitely to keep people safe. In business as elsewhere, none of the stakeholders are supposed to ignore the law.
On this point, it is important to tell the difference between mistakes, aggressiveness for example linked to an excess of emotion, And mistakes. For example, “voluntary” behavior that “endangers” the integrity of another individual and the collective. The reaction to adopt is above all to stop the steering committee if needed. To protect people. To then formalize the conflict, to factualize, to leave a written record of what has just happened.
Here, your individual responsibility or as an executive is not to turn a blind eye. The organization “must” punish behavior. Show that there is a consequence, that there is no impunity. In short, to demonstrate managerial courage.
In the second stage of aggressive behavior, we find the more classical profile of The aggressive, impolite, disrespectful person who exercises the limit of a red card. Example: he raises his voice, shouts, gets up, throws a “cookie cutter” sentence to personally attack some members of the steering meeting, or even the whole Copil! It's about people, not what they do. Same: Here, a reframing and a remedy on the rules are to be expected. In the event of disrespect or verbal aggression, recall the agreed discussion rules for steering meetings in a targeted manner. Ask participants to stick to it and avoid aggressive behavior as the project progresses.
In this same type, it is less easy to recognize the occasional passive aggressive. The one who doesn't even know he's aggressive. He is a member of Copil who does not let others finish their idea, cuts them off all the time. Someone who reacts with subjective comments, in particular through attitudes and explicit non-verbal language, or even “Pff” type sighs... In short: disrespect, aggressiveness that is contained, but clearly present. Below we will see in the 10 tips how to react to aggressiveness of this type.
At the outset, if there was only one thing to remember: you will have to conduct an individual review and collective bargaining on the basic rules of your collective steering meeting.
Aggressive is a person who attacks and seeks confrontation. He only expects one thing from you: to respond aggressively. On the contrary, stay calm and let him express himself until he regains his own calm and ability to listen, otherwise you will not be able to be heard.
Prevent the disrespectful interlocutor from monopolizing the debate, promote the collective spirit, the basis of project mode. Note the opinions expressed using keywords for example. Show that you take the opinion of the committee member seriously. Ask him and the project team to combine additional keywords to summarize this opinion.
Do not ignore: on the contrary, question his opinion : “How do you reach that conclusion?” Why do you use that tone?” Refocus his interventions on the subject of the presentation.
Don't get carried away by your emotions. Choose your reactions. A basic practice: focus for a moment with full awareness on your breathing. The distant eye.
“Never seem surprised” would be a bit of the golden rule. Think of the movie Itinerary of a spoiled child and to the cult scene where Jean-Paul Belmondo trains Richard Anconina in public speaking. Easier said than done. Attention: the idea is to remain yourself, to use relaxed and detached non-verbal language. Practice to find your “poker face”, not that tense smile :-)! It's your real smile, the humor that will get the job done.
People often don't realize how aggressive they are. One of the tips that work: repeat the same sentence as your aggressor with a different intonation.
Use Silence as a calming tool. If you want to respond, choose your battles to counterattack by surprise. Better one hit back than five soft counterattacks!
If you are cut off, feel free to respond with a simple and calm sentence. Like, “Yes, I would love to hear your opinion on this, and I'm going to finish what I have to say to let you react.” Note the “Yes and” in place of the “No, but...”
As far as possible, don't make it personal. Even try to desensitize yourself, as attackers usually attack everyone. Despite appearances you are not necessarily being targeted!
You may have seen this exchange go by where, faced with the latest insecurity figures, the Minister of the Interior Gérald Darmanin considered the journalist's analysis “a bit populist” and did not hesitate to take it from the top. “Are you letting me speak, madam? Your presentation is very quick and a bit populist. (...) No but don't be offended, calm down, madam, madam, it's going to be fine,” he then says in a condescending tone.
“Am I asking you for forgiveness?” , reacts Apolline de Malherbe, outraged. “It's going to be fine,” repeats Gérald Darmanin. The journalist goes on and underlines “Gérald Darmanin, wait, how are you talking to me?” she is outraged. “I find it astonishing how you respond. It's not an answer, it's almost an offense,” she said. “Don't be offended, I am responding as you are assaulting me”, the minister tries to reply.
At the moment when the interview goes beyond the usual framework of oratory jousting to become a disrespectful attack, the journalist's reaction is a model of the genre. She puts her arms crossed by simply saying, “Pause we stop playing.” in a calm and determined tone. By evading a substantive question, the interlocutor created a second controversy.
A reminder: it's never a good idea to say to someone, “Calm down.” In project management, in governance, or in everyday life!
Prevention is better than cure. Do not hesitate to give a useful reminder of the three benevolent/non-violent communication methods (OSCAR, DESC and OSBD) to transform your difficult messages into constructive and effective feedback. ! Including in an email.
A picture is worth a thousand words. For this upgrade, nothing better than the Sketchnote (masterful) created by Maxence Walbrou, coach, facilitator and illustrator.
In the event of repeated weak signs of aggression, preventive work can still be carried out. For example, it may be agree on operating rules - a kind of collective “code of honor” before committees. We negotiate together the rules relating to communication, active listening, the use of smartphones, the use of the “I” versus the “On”. And again, to limit the “you who kill.” In short: we negotiate and we talk about everyone's needs.
You can also decide to lighten the project portfolio! Clearly define what is vital and focus the steering meeting on it - anyway you won't have time to do anything else.
One of the secrets is to respect inclusion times. These “ice breaker” moments, or personal weather, are there to create a climate conducive to constructive exchanges, to free speech. Don't miss out on these lighter moments. Alternating highlights and downtime is a good way to reduce unnecessary (over-) tension; and avoid any violence.
Finally, know how to interrupt a Copil before anger gets the better of you! If the emotions still don't go down, interrupt the steering meeting. Take a 10-minute break to allow everyone to calm down. Take advantage of the break to take the employee face to face and to discuss his aggressive behavior calmly.
In the cold, after the Copil, do not hesitate to come back to the member who behaved aggressively to make an informal appointment in order to hear what was not said.
You are not alone! A very factual report should be sent in writing. next to your hierarchy and Human Resources. Several solutions are possible collectively if the situation has degenerated. Recently, for example, mediation was carried out within an IT department where there was strong growth and an interminable merger/reorganization. These cumulative contexts generated great difficulties and open violence in exchanges.
Another example of a possible solution: social barometer work can usefully be carried out. But don't forget that the prevention of psychosocial risks is a job!
To go further, consult our 5 tips for everything to go well in the project steering committee.
In project management as in everything, It is the excess that is toxic. A bit of aggression is tolerable. There is no need to be dramatic. It should also be emphasized: when it is passionate, it also means that there is commitment! Knowing how to oppose your disagreements, even openly, can sometimes be very beneficial. Let's just stay vigilant about excessive and intractable behavior on any illegal violence.
You have read the 7 tips to decipher and deal more calmly with possible future aggressive behaviors in a steering meeting. Are you interested in deciphering and demining borderline behaviors? Continue on the topic of prevention by reading the article How to properly prepare a steering committee?
